Does anyone remember that book, My Mother, Myself? As an entry in the nature vs. nurture debate, it posited that our mothers are a key influence in our lives, and shape the sort of women we grow up to be. I think I was a teenager at the time it came out, and the thought of becoming my mother was horrifying to me. Now, of course, I'd love to be even half the woman my mother was. But the reason I bring it up is because I often wonder how much my house has affected the person I've become.
I guess my experience is not really a common one -- I've lived here pretty much all my life, with a few short breaks here and there. This is a very small house, with not much room for entertaining. It is the sort of house that is very intimate and comfortable for one, or two, or four, but after that it gets a little crowded. We have had 22 for dinner (buffet, of course!) but that felt like we were bursting at the seams. Eight or ten seems to be a more comfortable number.
Now, I have to tell you that we do not entertain much, except for family gatherings at holidays. This has a lot to do with time constraints, and personal inclination (too much work!), and even character. Both my husband and I are not really super outgoing people, and we cherish our quiet home as a refuge from daily stresses. Also, I tend to worry about appearances -- the house is messy, the carpet on the stairs is threadbare, the bathroom ceiling is peeling... you get the idea. This I think I get from my mother! :) But I sometimes wonder if I'm not the entertaining sort because I grew up in a house that is not designed for huge gatherings. Would I be different if I had grown up in a big house? Would I be more inclined to have a huge party if I lived in a huge house?
Actually, I think I was just born shy, and I'd feel lost in a big house. But I always wonder...
What kind of parties do you give, and do you feel that your childhood home or upbringing influenced the way you entertain now?
(This is my idea of the perfect "entertainment" -- sitting in front of the fire on a chilly evening, my husband on the sofa next to me, my daughter laying on the floor, and my son lounging in a chair with his feet up, everyone engrossed in a good book!)
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Mary, Mary, Mary - you need to read this blog: www.reluctantentertainer.com/ It's on my sidebar as well. I love to entertain. But I understand the whole feeling of impending doom if the house isn't just perfect. So I decided - who cares?? The people you would invite into your home are your close friends. Those friends aren't going to care what your house looks like. And btw, we've seen pictures. We know what your house looks like and if that is your only concern - then you don't have one. Of course it's nice to enjoy some quality, alone time with your family. But opening your home to friends and neighbors can be so rewarding!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Julie
Marty, your home is beautiful and warm and inviting. I think we tend to see the flaws in our homes more than other people and to grow tired or bored with the way our home looks. I know, our house is 1100 sq. ft. and not the most convenient to entertain in for the reasons you listed, but I am always amazed at the positive comments I get on my home because people see it with fresh eyes and I don't. I also didnt grow up in a home that had guests, my mom didnt entertain. at. all. I have had my struggles with it, but I am learning! We are having the dessert portion of a progressive dinner here for part of our church on the 30th! I dont know where I will put them all, but I'm doing it anyway:>) I'm a home body too, I agree with your description of the perfect evening!
ReplyDeleteWhy dont I check for typos before I hit Post? LOL, I meant Mary, not Marty!
ReplyDeleteJust left a comment that didnt save - will be back later - run out of lunch time!
ReplyDeleteI could echo these sentiments with varying details. I grew up moving constantly and never put down roots or long lasting friendships much because of it. All the other kids around me were in the same boat so everything was fine as is. We grew up believing that we being together made a house a home. We were allowed to pick and decorate our own rooms and had great fun doing it. We believed that we could create that home within days of moving and I still see this in myself now. I can create home anywhere. It is us and the spirit we bring to a house.
ReplyDeleteWe too don't entertain. We too like to spend the evening with a cup of tea or cafe au lait just being together by our wood stove. I like being social at times but really treasure my alone time and my DH fits into that alone time perfectly.
A house should be a home and not a museum. Next time you walk by something threadbare, try to stop and think it is because you have the blessing of living in a home from your childhood and turn it into your adult home. That is truely a blessing!
~~ Heidi ~~
Oh, girl!!! Were you reading my mind when you wrote that??? I agonize about having friends over. As a matter of fact, I'm having two over for coffee in the morning and I've already spent two days worring over NOTHING!!!
ReplyDeleteI like you am a homebody--my favorite thing is the peace and quiet of a night on the sofa reading and my husband reading in the other sofa. But we have recently been opening up our home weekly for a Bible study/fellowship group in which different people bring different parts of the meal. This has been very rewarding--we do have a big room that opens up into a small dining area that makes it easy to accomodate this. But I agree with the nunnie's attic comment--when you love your friends you figure who cares--if the house is not perfect. I feel the same way if I go to a friend's house --I am just thankful they had it open to me--I do not care how messy it is!!
ReplyDeleteI do remember that book. I seem to be more and more like my mother every day. I used to think that was a bad thing but not anymore. I hope that when I'm 84, I'll be just as strong and independent as she is. I really enjoy her know.
ReplyDeleteAs for the entertaining....We moved into a much smaller house a few years ago. Not a lot of room for entertaining large groups. We mainly have a couple or two over and let my husbands brother host the big family gatherings.
I too am a big worry wart about my house being too dirty or cluttered or something. My husband says "It's good enough for us, so why isn't it good enough for company"?
Nan
Yes, Mary...I know just what you mean. I, too, was always too worried about EVERYTHING to be comfortable with entertaining. THEN, the light bulb came on and I realized that, first of all, my house was clean, that it was as "nice" as a lot of our friends and that, when I relaxed, we always had such a great time. I just learned not to worry about the soiled carpet that I just couldn't get clean or the bathtub, that no matter what I use on it, there's still stains (it's over 50 years old, for goodness sakes!!)
ReplyDeleteWe have our church group over about once a month and it usually numbers around 20. We have such a good time, eating and worshipping together and just fellowship with ea other. I never think about the house other than being clean. And, they have been here when I could see a little dust or I had to close a bedroom door because I just didn't get around to getting it all sparkly. And, we have friends over for dinner and card games and so enjoy it.
You have such a lovely and warm house. Always has been one of my favorites!
hugs, bj
You speak to my heart, Mary. I am not a very outgoing person and tend to just enjoy the easy company of my husband and children the most. After we do the "entertaining" thing, I always think afterwards..."Well, that wasn't too bad".....but it takes me a long time to do it again. I like the comfort of my quiet home :-)
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteI have to think about this and the sun just came out, so I should go for a walk or something. As they say "make hay while the sun shines". How do you make hay, as opposed to grow hay.
Later,
Janet
Sounds like the perfect evening to me Mary. I would love to see your "little" house. :) I know it's beautiful just like you are. We have had big parties out here but I prefer just a small impromptu dinner party or get together. At large parties it seems I miss talking to half the people there. Ok...that's my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteI wish we had more parties but we are misplaced...LOL. We have only been in WA for a year and all of our nearest and dearest are on the opposite Coast......I am a homebody too...some days I obsess about appearance and the others days I fail to see the clutter....
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Robin
I think that a house must first of all have the serenity and harmony. But do the inhabitants of the house, a house is beautiful even if it is because there is a hut heat. A large villa beautiful can be cold and distant from because not all love and serenity of the people.Mary
ReplyDeleteWe are homebodies here at rosemary Cottage -- and our best parties usually happen at the spur of the moment -- when nobody has the time to worry about the house. But I always do! :) And that comes from my mum -- who entertained frequently! Tonight our neighbour is popping over for a por roast dinner -- and I just vaccumed the house AGAIN! ((Silly me -- thats why I don't blog -- I worry about the state of my house!)) And we spend our time in the kitchen laughing, drinking -- and then sitting around the kitchen table -- and everyone has a great time! Mary -- your home is my true ideal -- warm, elegant and charming and truly welcoming -- which is the reason I visit here so often!
ReplyDeleteJan at Rosemary Cottage who is green with envy over your pretty home! :)
I am a homebody too! I love your idea of a perfect night at home--that is right up my alley.
ReplyDeleteAnnie
I love your idea of perfect entertainment! I think it is so special to be able to live in the house you grew up in and with so many wonderful memories. We always lived in houses that were designed for entertaining as my Mom likes "tea parties". Mine is probably bigger than I need but it's more about the house itself and the stories behind it.
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteWe share some of the same feelings. Our house is really small too and most entertaining is done on holidays, and then we have to be careful how many we invite! Sometimes I don't even have enough chairs let alone space! Your house is beautiful. You certainly don't have to worry about a little wear and tear; that actually makes it more charming!
I think even if I did live in a big house I still wouldn't do much entertaining. That's just me!
Donna
xo
I do love having parties and people! I used to plan and work my self crazy. I would have a theme and go for it. For some reason Im tired. I always drove myself nuts too. I even do that with family coming I drive all nuts...I can't relax. I have prayed so much for God to help me lay back and relax. I just really wished I could find a happy medium.
ReplyDeleteJust realized your clock is similar to mine. I have a picture of it on my Sept 14 blog--don't know how to link it for you. Do you know how old your clock is and the history behind it? Who maid it? Kim
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteMy favorite form of entertaining others involves not inviting more than two other couples....I am able to spend time with everyone that way.
I learned a long time ago (and the comments to this post confirm it), that almost everyone worries about how there home is seen by others. Everyone has that, run around like crazy at the last moment, worrying that someone might see the peeling paint or worn carpet. Someone once told me, turn the lights down low and light candles...no one can see the dust that way :-)
Penny
Hi Mary,
ReplyDeleteI just saw a blog today where the woman wrote about this very thing!
http://the-pink-kitchen.blogspot.com/
she also refers to the site, reluctantentertainer that Julie mentioned in the first comment. Check out the pink kitchen blog (now called there's no place like home)
Robin
A couple of years back my bachelor brother had a foreign exchange student from Brazil, his family, mom dad , two siblings and grandparents came to get him at the end of the school year.
ReplyDeleteI hosted a dinner for them.... I was a nervous wretch..
They are VERY WEALTHY.... I mean VERY....
They were 2 hours late.. you know what that does to dinner.
But they loved my modest home and the DAD even offered to help me with dishes
Caint seem to git mah comments to post for the last few days. Jest wanted to say thet I too love to curl up in front of a good far and read a book, but I also enjoy sitting in front of a good far and jest watchin the flames. I kin do this fer hourn and hourn.
ReplyDeleteHello, You remind me so much of me! I love your blog and your home. I also love being home and the quiet time with family. If I stayed home forever that would be fine! My home is a small cozy ranch too. Thanks for sharing~Rosemary
ReplyDeleteOh Mary, with your darling house and sweet personality I'll bet people would love an invitation from you. I am a home body too but love to have a house full of people and enjoy spending time at my friends and families homes too.
ReplyDeletePeople may take a quick look through the house but usually after that it is all about the people sharing with other people and any minor flaws in the house are not even noticed by the guests that are enjoying your company and the company of any other guests.
I so agree with you on this. I do love to have people over but in small groups. Your house is so warm and welcoming that I am sure anyone who is invited there will feel blessed.
ReplyDeleteBut being with just the family is always the best...always.
Love,
Sue
The description of your home sounds perfectly charming to me. I am not one to host large parties either preferring to follow quiet pursuits. When I do host a gathering (Thanksgiving...ackkk!), I become quite anxious. Just now I am fretting over the peeling paint myself. Perhaps it's time for me to focus on the charms and not on the troublespots.
ReplyDeleteOff to read Reluctant Entertainer...
Mary, I'm glad you reposted this under "You might like these stories" today. Like you, I am an only child and grew up in a small house. My mother didn't entertain by throwing big parties, but did like to have people over for dinner.
ReplyDeleteLike her, I enjoy having dinner parties, but also have gone beyond what was was outside my comfort zone into the world of "throwing parties". I like to open our home to friends and family. Nobody really cares about the things you worry about. They want to get together for companionship, to share food and wine or tea (whatever!)
You've got a lovely home!
I love how your describe your evening.. i hope we would do the same with my kids grew up..
ReplyDelete